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Finding lasting, true love doesn't come from saying the right things or having money or looks or whatever. It's much simpler than that. Here's how to find "the one" for you. If this describes the majority of your romantic life, I want you to open up your mind a little and start looking at things a little differently from now on. First, consider this: everyone wants a perfect partner, but few people want to be the perfect partner.
For years, I probably obsessed a little too much over this part of my life.
But after stumbling through one unhealthy relationship after anotherI learned a very important lesson: the best way to find an amazing person is to become an amazing person. Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself. Any time Caring guy looking for someone special lie about your interests, hobbies, or background, that is needy.
Any time you pursue a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourselfthat is needy. You can say the coolest thing or do what everyone else does, but if you do it for the wrong reason, it will come off as needy and desperate and turn people off. This is because neediness is actually a form of manipulation, and people have a keen nose for manipulative bullshit.
Think about the way you feel when someone is blatantly trying to sell you something with high-pressure, salesy tricks. It just feels wrong. Now, we all get needy at times because, of course, we do care about what others think of us.
But the key here is that, at the end of the day, you should care more about what you think of yourself than what others think. And I mean all of it. We behave in needy ways when we feel bad about ourselves. We try to use the affection and approval of others to compensate for the lack of affection and approval for ourselves. And that is another root cause of our dating problems: our inability to take care of ourselves.
And taking care of yourself, when done from a place of non-neediness, is what demonstrates that you value yourself. You should take care of yourself because you genuinely want to be a healthy, intelligentwell-rounded individual for the sake of being a healthy, intelligent, well-rounded individual who values your own self-worth over what others think of you.
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Taking care of your physical and mental health is the single biggest step you can take towards improving your life. It has the biggest, most enduring impact on virtually every other area of your life, including dating and relationships. Besides making you look better, eating right and exercising consistently simply makes you feel better on a day-to-day basis. And if you have any past traumas or psychological issues that need to be dealt with, do it. Talk to friends and relatives and get therapy if you need it. Get it taken care of. Money is a major source of stress for a lot of people.
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It can be so stressful, in fact, that most people end up ignoring a lot of their financial problems altogether. This, in turn, le to a vicious cycle, where ignoring your money problems only makes them worse and you end up even more stressed as time goes on.
Long-term stress like this makes you less attractive. It saps your energy, causes health issues, 6 and generally makes you a dick to be around. Learn about personal finance.
Cut out waste and find ways to make more money in the short and long term. Open a savings for emergencies. Pay down debt as quickly as possible. Learn the basics of investing. To put it bluntly, no one wants to be around someone—let alone date someone—who complains about their job all the time.
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Look, I get it, not everyone can have their dream jobs or start a billion-dollar business tomorrow. Apply for new jobs. Go to job fairs and network with people. Take classes and develop useful skills that you enjoy. Learn how to interview better and how to negotiate better terms of employment. Developing an active social life not only makes for a more fulfilling, enjoyable life, it also puts you in contact with more and different people, upping your chances of meeting someone you click with. Do things that get you off your ass and out interacting with people.
This will pay off immensely in all areas of your life. The best way to get these areas of your life handled is to develop healthy, consistent habits around them. The point is to just always be working towards being the best version of yourself you can be at any given time. Are you deeply interested in social justice? Are you a health nut? Are you a party animal or socialite? Are you really into art and music? Or maybe you love the outdoors?
Develop your interests first, simply for the joy and pleasure you get from experiencing them. Then, as a byproduct, you will meet people who share your values and are attracted to you based on who you are, rather than what you say or how you act. Things like ing up for language classes, volunteering at a local museum, attending art galleries and lectures, and so on.
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Similarly, if you like quiet nights at home and enjoy knitting, ing a skydiving club might not be the first place you should look to expand your social circle and meet potential dates. This will freak some people out. This is doubly true the older you get. Learn to see it as a blessing when someone eliminates themselves for you. Wait 3. Touch them on the left arm once every 7 minutes while sub-communicating your sociosexual status.
Smile, but not TOO much. Act subtly interested, but not TOO eager. Look, part of being a mature, functioning adult in the world is being able to communicate and express yourself honestly on an emotional level. So they put up their guard before anyone has the chance to really get to know who they really are. Vulnerabilitywhen done correctly, is actually a show of strength and power.
So you can on that if you think you need to work on being more vulnerable. Some people think my views towards romantic relationships are a little extreme sometimes. And I get it, I often use extreme examples to illustrate my point when it comes to things like values and boundaries. Well, of course, everyone has faults. The real question is, how do we deal with it? These are people who have problems and baggage and used them as a weapon with the men they date. Here, I want to talk about what traits to actively look for in a relationship partner when deciding to date or commit to them, baggage and insecurities and all.
These relationships were great learning experiences, but they also caused me a great deal of pain that I had to eventually learn from. Some of us are unwilling to compromise on superficial traits: looks, intelligence, education, etc. Because the fact is that problems are inevitable.
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Every relationship will run into fights and each person will run up against their emotional baggage at various times. How long the relationship lasts and how well it goes comes down to both people being willing and able to recognize the snags in themselves and communicate them openly.
Cause drama? Blame you and criticize you back? Storm out and make you chase after them? Without blaming or shaming. Without causing unnecessary drama. Without trying to make you jealous or angry. How would you react? Would you brush it off?
2. go where people like the same things you like.
Would you place the blame on them or call them names? Would you logically try to argue your way out of it? Would you get angry or insecure? Chances are you would.
Chances are the other person would too. Most people do. Very few people are capable of it. To this day, when I sit down with my girlfriend, or my father, or one of my best friends and have one of these conversations, I feel my chest tighten, my stomach turn in a knot, my arms sweat.